RETRO DON'S POST -HEALTHCARE

ASSORTED OBSERVATIONS

1. there are absolutely no life altering events: if you are a bastard going into an experience, you will come out a bastard at the end of the experience. perhaps for some wishful thinking if you think that in dickens' christmas carol, scrooge has changed after his dream experiences you are very (har, har, har) sadly mistaken. from what i saw people become even more self centered and selfish than they were before.

2. a person next door to me at the hospital died. every day an orderly took out a pail of stuff from that room. i worried about what it contained reminding me of, snowdon's secret in catch 22. after a few days the person died. some relatives and friends took it badly -lots of heart rending sobbing, crying, and grief. they had a brief service at the person's bedside. the room was cleaned and the next ill person was moved in. the world goes on.

3. at a rehab facility: a person and his relatives who make the most noise and demand the best service can get the best attention and perks. there's nothing better than having a feeling of entitlement. a patients' visitors seemed to think nothing of helping themselves to some of my (trivial) stuff like bottled water when i wasn't around. trivial but very annoying. the patient obviously pained one night told the staff they'll be fired in the morning. most of the staff present liked the idea. the next day the event appeared to be totally forgotten.

4. i salute most of the brave healthcare workers who put up with all the crap that many sick and helpless people can deliver. if the patients weren't so pathetic there would be a bounty on their heads.

5. feeling really terrible i asked the doctor to just have a gun loaded and put one shot in the right spot on my head. he replied that that treatment was not on his list of possible treatmens so he could not comply with my request. its interesting that we shoot horses and put cats and dogs away but people must suffer outrageous demeaning and painful procedures, "we saved your remaining meaningless and useless life at incredible cost".

ANOTHER EVENTFUL HOSPITAL STAY

crumpled up in a ball of pain and illness i entered the hospital as best i could. the first words you hear tell you they'll be right with you and you should have a seat. sitting there for an eternity of suffering someone calls your name. the processing interrogation gives you hope that help will be on the way. soon you wil hear the bugle of the cavalry riding in to save you..... toot,toot,toot.........

eventually you wind up in a bed in a gown with your butt end visible to all. not too bad considering that i was present when a theatre group in the dc area mooned the audience (so clever and talented). i never want to see another show by that stupid group again. i guess that was art. my butt is not art.

somehow i know not how i got through that day but the next day i was on oxycodone, rush limbaugh's favorite med, all day.

the highlight of my stay was when my throat closed up. i could still breathe - fortunate or unfortunate depending on your point of view. no food or fluid could be swallowed. somehow the procedure for entering my stomach was easy for the medical staff but not so easy for me. anyway all they had to do (a piece of cake) was run a tube up my nose, have it bend down into my throat and eventually into my stomach. nothing to it. unfortunately the remaining space in my throat was not large enough to accomodate the tube. i can assure you that jesus, mohammed, buddha, and moses together were totally useless. you can imagine whatever you want but the spirits are of no use to me. yup, my fault.

three fun attempts at placing the life saving death tube failed which only made the nurses angry at me. eventually an eent doctor ran a tube with light and viewer into my throat and found out there was not enough space for the tube. so smart. the staff was exonerated. they did their job. not their fault. the good news was that the part of my throat which was swollen was the best part of any that could swell. yea - so lucky - i may live - or not - depending.


after about three days with my throat closed w/o food or drink except for the slow drip of poisonous expensive substances going into my arm they managed to decrease the swelling so that i could eat and drink again. a very important essential characteristic for the maintenance of human life. its in a book.

every five minutes some nurse comes in and wants you to drop your pants. i have no idea as to why? to see my transplant scar; to squeeze my transplant; my personal attractiveness; to check my you-know-what; size matters; i'm adorable; to check the tube running into a urinal (since i couldn't move); whatever?

finally after about a week the horde of doctors, nurses, and king's men declared me cured even though it was not known what was wrong with me in the first place. unfortunately the cure although not killing me left me as weak as a one year old.

completely unaware as to how weak i had become i thought (heh, heh) i would bouce back in a day or two. of course this was a typical male overestimate of ability. a total mismatch of reality to actuality. having worked with engineers i know that many of them can't put a plug into an electrical outlet but are great authorities on the physical universe. yes, i'm guilty too except i can put a plug into an outlet most of the time.

more coming. excited?
*************************************************************************************************