DEFENSE DEPT. SAFETY SPECS


my boss sent me to a four hour intensive session on ammunition production safety specs. the teacher sent by some outrageously priced contractor came in late.

HOUR #1 HE told a few bizarre, bigoted (mainly black and jew) jokes, drank his coffee, ate his box of donuts, adjusted his 42" belt, looked for a blackboard, chalk, took attendance, asked for a projector, waited for installation of projector, searched for electrical outlet, waited for bulb to be replaced, informed us of a rabbi's bad behavior on his holiest day, and blackpeople eating watermelon, burped, went for a pee, loosened his pants, and called for a break.

HOUR #2 after our coffee break we got down to serious work. we introduced ourselves, distributed boilerplate worksheets and textual materials (perfect for our engineers and scientists). teacher actually picked up a piece of chalk and started making diagrams, squares, and circles on the board. he then inserted a graphic into the projector which to my surprise he knew how to work. trying to stay awake i drew a variety of pictures on my worksheet.

HOUR #3 very soon teacher began complaining about hunger pangs and as happy as a pig in shit about his great presentation sent us on our way early after distributing framed certificates with our names, official imprints and signatures for course completion, he asked for directions to the cafeteria and disappeared.



now fully prepared and anxious to start my project with new and exciting information of geometric figures on a pad i returned to the office enthusiastic to write up my first safety spec to keep our nation and defenses secure. this is why we're the greatest nation on earth. yea!




armed with my complete safety instructional cookbook, canned textbook answer sheet, boilerplate worksheet, automaton like defense dept. mentality conducive to a stepford person(or sparta, new jersey) mentality, and framed certificate certifying that i was an expert in determining ammunition safety with imprimatur, raised seal and appropriate signatures i reported to my bossman's office.

the bossman said, "you have a free hand. the ball is in your court. run with it. go, go, go."

"i will. i will. i will."

"for your first assignment you will prepare a safety specification for the xm34e1 flotation fragmentation mine, flashing, rotating, decorative, auto-loading, self-actuating, really expensive device. "

"yes, sir, i'm on my way."


DEFENSE DEPT. IN ACTION


i ran to my cubicle hung my official framed, signed, and sealed certificate assuring my competence in preparation of ammunition safety specifications like the looney tunes engineer in the next cubicle who had his phd diploma tacked to his wall ... ummm ...partition thing.

and started working to save our country and support our troops.

A WEEK LATER ------------------------

me: "here it is, bossman. a comprehensive compendium of all safety requirements for this item as required by the official textual and canned materials handed down from the all-wise command."

bm: "this is only one page, double spaced."

me: "yup, thats all thats necessary. its all in there."

bm: "beef it up. i'd like at least ten pages to show my great effort and my magnificent work in this area."

me: "i've incorporated all the necessary components and requirements. its all there. what else do you want? you're the boss."

bm: "no, you're the expert. we sent you to that expensive, intensive course with doctor jonas,phd, MD, and master of bs and gave you a framed, certified, imprimatur stamped certificate with gold leaf lettering. as i said, you have a free hand. do it. do it. do it."


me: "let me understand this. you say, i have a free hand and i'm the expert?"

bm: "yup."

me: "ok, i've got it, boss. its as good as done.? see you later."



FIVE YEARS LATER - AFTER ALL THE VALUABLE STUFF THEY TAUGHT ME


me: "well, today is my last day. i'm retiring. bye."

bm: " what a coincidence, today is my last day too. i'm getting a promotion and going to the command and getting a superior performance award for my exceptional and excellent leadership and supervisory ability. by the way, weren't you completing a safety specification?

me: "oh, remember? it was completed with your superior assistance. you've been such a great help."

bm "sure, i remember it well."

THE END


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DEFENSE DEPT, MANAGEMENT AT WORK FOR YOU:

its not how or where you jump, its how high you jump, and how fast you can sing and dance.

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