CHICKEN HEART - I REMEMBER IT WELL
the trump story as told in 1937 by arch obeler on the radio show, lights out. and edited today.
"I tell you that mass of flesh was donald trump ..the tissue of which for some reason is undergoing constant, rapid, accelerating growth. With every passing hour its growth is doubling. Do you know what that means? If it is now one block in size, within thirty hours that cannibal flesh will have increased in size to one square block to the thirtieth power. VOICE RISES. In thirty hours every inch of this whole city will be crushed under that moving flesh. Within sixty hours it will have covered the entire state. Within two weeks the entire United States. You ask for the National Guard. I say call out the entire army. Blast this thing off the earth.
If you want to hear the whole story, the MP3 is here:
https://archive.org/download/LightsOutoldTimeRadio..."
*********************************************************************
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
DEFENSE DEPT. SAFETY SPECS
my boss sent me to a four hour intensive session on ammunition production safety specs. the teacher sent by some outrageously priced contractor came in late.
HOUR #1 HE told a few bizarre, bigoted (mainly black and jew) jokes, drank his coffee, ate his box of donuts, adjusted his 42" belt, looked for a blackboard, chalk, took attendance, asked for a projector, waited for installation of projector, searched for electrical outlet, waited for bulb to be replaced, informed us of a rabbi's bad behavior on his holiest day, and blackpeople eating watermelon, burped, went for a pee, loosened his pants, and called for a break.
HOUR #2 after our coffee break we got down to serious work. we introduced ourselves, distributed boilerplate worksheets and textual materials (perfect for our engineers and scientists). teacher actually picked up a piece of chalk and started making diagrams, squares, and circles on the board. he then inserted a graphic into the projector which to my surprise he knew how to work. trying to stay awake i drew a variety of pictures on my worksheet.
HOUR #3 very soon teacher began complaining about hunger pangs and as happy as a pig in shit about his great presentation sent us on our way early after distributing framed certificates with our names, official imprints and signatures for course completion, he asked for directions to the cafeteria and disappeared.
now fully prepared and anxious to start my project with new and exciting information of geometric figures on a pad i returned to the office enthusiastic to write up my first safety spec to keep our nation and defenses secure. this is why we're the greatest nation on earth. yea!
armed with my complete safety instructional cookbook, canned textbook answer sheet, boilerplate worksheet, automaton like defense dept. mentality conducive to a stepford person(or sparta, new jersey) mentality, and framed certificate certifying that i was an expert in determining ammunition safety with imprimatur, raised seal and appropriate signatures i reported to my bossman's office.
the bossman said, "you have a free hand. the ball is in your court. run with it. go, go, go."
"i will. i will. i will."
"for your first assignment you will prepare a safety specification for the xm34e1 flotation fragmentation mine, flashing, rotating, decorative, auto-loading, self-actuating, really expensive device. "
"yes, sir, i'm on my way."
DEFENSE DEPT. IN ACTION
i ran to my cubicle hung my official framed, signed, and sealed certificate assuring my competence in preparation of ammunition safety specifications like the looney tunes engineer in the next cubicle who had his phd diploma tacked to his wall ... ummm ...partition thing.
and started working to save our country and support our troops.
A WEEK LATER ------------------------
me: "here it is, bossman. a comprehensive compendium of all safety requirements for this item as required by the official textual and canned materials handed down from the all-wise command."
bm: "this is only one page, double spaced."
me: "yup, thats all thats necessary. its all in there."
bm: "beef it up. i'd like at least ten pages to show my great effort and my magnificent work in this area."
me: "i've incorporated all the necessary components and requirements. its all there. what else do you want? you're the boss."
bm: "no, you're the expert. we sent you to that expensive, intensive course with doctor jonas,phd, MD, and master of bs and gave you a framed, certified, imprimatur stamped certificate with gold leaf lettering. as i said, you have a free hand. do it. do it. do it."
me: "let me understand this. you say, i have a free hand and i'm the expert?"
bm: "yup."
me: "ok, i've got it, boss. its as good as done.? see you later."
FIVE YEARS LATER - AFTER ALL THE VALUABLE STUFF THEY TAUGHT ME
me: "well, today is my last day. i'm retiring. bye."
bm: " what a coincidence, today is my last day too. i'm getting a promotion and going to the command and getting a superior performance award for my exceptional and excellent leadership and supervisory ability. by the way, weren't you completing a safety specification?
me: "oh, remember? it was completed with your superior assistance. you've been such a great help."
bm "sure, i remember it well."
THE END
*************************************************************************************
DEFENSE DEPT, MANAGEMENT AT WORK FOR YOU:
its not how or where you jump, its how high you jump, and how fast you can sing and dance.
***********************************************************************************************
my boss sent me to a four hour intensive session on ammunition production safety specs. the teacher sent by some outrageously priced contractor came in late.
HOUR #1 HE told a few bizarre, bigoted (mainly black and jew) jokes, drank his coffee, ate his box of donuts, adjusted his 42" belt, looked for a blackboard, chalk, took attendance, asked for a projector, waited for installation of projector, searched for electrical outlet, waited for bulb to be replaced, informed us of a rabbi's bad behavior on his holiest day, and blackpeople eating watermelon, burped, went for a pee, loosened his pants, and called for a break.
HOUR #2 after our coffee break we got down to serious work. we introduced ourselves, distributed boilerplate worksheets and textual materials (perfect for our engineers and scientists). teacher actually picked up a piece of chalk and started making diagrams, squares, and circles on the board. he then inserted a graphic into the projector which to my surprise he knew how to work. trying to stay awake i drew a variety of pictures on my worksheet.
HOUR #3 very soon teacher began complaining about hunger pangs and as happy as a pig in shit about his great presentation sent us on our way early after distributing framed certificates with our names, official imprints and signatures for course completion, he asked for directions to the cafeteria and disappeared.
now fully prepared and anxious to start my project with new and exciting information of geometric figures on a pad i returned to the office enthusiastic to write up my first safety spec to keep our nation and defenses secure. this is why we're the greatest nation on earth. yea!
armed with my complete safety instructional cookbook, canned textbook answer sheet, boilerplate worksheet, automaton like defense dept. mentality conducive to a stepford person(or sparta, new jersey) mentality, and framed certificate certifying that i was an expert in determining ammunition safety with imprimatur, raised seal and appropriate signatures i reported to my bossman's office.
the bossman said, "you have a free hand. the ball is in your court. run with it. go, go, go."
"i will. i will. i will."
"for your first assignment you will prepare a safety specification for the xm34e1 flotation fragmentation mine, flashing, rotating, decorative, auto-loading, self-actuating, really expensive device. "
"yes, sir, i'm on my way."
DEFENSE DEPT. IN ACTION
i ran to my cubicle hung my official framed, signed, and sealed certificate assuring my competence in preparation of ammunition safety specifications like the looney tunes engineer in the next cubicle who had his phd diploma tacked to his wall ... ummm ...partition thing.
and started working to save our country and support our troops.
A WEEK LATER ------------------------
me: "here it is, bossman. a comprehensive compendium of all safety requirements for this item as required by the official textual and canned materials handed down from the all-wise command."
bm: "this is only one page, double spaced."
me: "yup, thats all thats necessary. its all in there."
bm: "beef it up. i'd like at least ten pages to show my great effort and my magnificent work in this area."
me: "i've incorporated all the necessary components and requirements. its all there. what else do you want? you're the boss."
bm: "no, you're the expert. we sent you to that expensive, intensive course with doctor jonas,phd, MD, and master of bs and gave you a framed, certified, imprimatur stamped certificate with gold leaf lettering. as i said, you have a free hand. do it. do it. do it."
me: "let me understand this. you say, i have a free hand and i'm the expert?"
bm: "yup."
me: "ok, i've got it, boss. its as good as done.? see you later."
FIVE YEARS LATER - AFTER ALL THE VALUABLE STUFF THEY TAUGHT ME
me: "well, today is my last day. i'm retiring. bye."
bm: " what a coincidence, today is my last day too. i'm getting a promotion and going to the command and getting a superior performance award for my exceptional and excellent leadership and supervisory ability. by the way, weren't you completing a safety specification?
me: "oh, remember? it was completed with your superior assistance. you've been such a great help."
bm "sure, i remember it well."
THE END
*************************************************************************************
DEFENSE DEPT, MANAGEMENT AT WORK FOR YOU:
its not how or where you jump, its how high you jump, and how fast you can sing and dance.
***********************************************************************************************
Monday, February 15, 2016
THE GREAT ELECTION 2016
jeb has some really annoying body language. have you noticed how he tosses his head like a skank at the officers' club? the vets in south carolina may find this arousing remembering their war experiences. these moves should win a lot of votes in south carolina. really - actually i can't remember #2 or #3 but they were irritating also.
he's tall which is a plus. the problem is his blood can't be pumped as high as his sorta' brain.
on the plus side the blue dyed grey haired ladies in south beach like him. hand holding rich people is a really good political characteristic for raising money and he's a nice boy.
his beloved bro. W is campaigning with him. i'm sure south carolina vets' children will gladly give up everything to protect him and the bush family and friends.
on the demo. side we have, bonnie and clyde barrow clinton, waiting in the wings.
like bob dole i may sleep late on election day.
jeb has some really annoying body language. have you noticed how he tosses his head like a skank at the officers' club? the vets in south carolina may find this arousing remembering their war experiences. these moves should win a lot of votes in south carolina. really - actually i can't remember #2 or #3 but they were irritating also.
he's tall which is a plus. the problem is his blood can't be pumped as high as his sorta' brain.
on the plus side the blue dyed grey haired ladies in south beach like him. hand holding rich people is a really good political characteristic for raising money and he's a nice boy.
his beloved bro. W is campaigning with him. i'm sure south carolina vets' children will gladly give up everything to protect him and the bush family and friends.
on the demo. side we have, bonnie and clyde barrow clinton, waiting in the wings.
like bob dole i may sleep late on election day.
Thursday, February 4, 2016
RETRO DON'S POST -HEALTHCARE
ASSORTED OBSERVATIONS
1. there are absolutely no life altering events: if you are a bastard going into an experience, you will come out a bastard at the end of the experience. perhaps for some wishful thinking if you think that in dickens' christmas carol, scrooge has changed after his dream experiences you are very (har, har, har) sadly mistaken. from what i saw people become even more self centered and selfish than they were before.
2. a person next door to me at the hospital died. every day an orderly took out a pail of stuff from that room. i worried about what it contained reminding me of, snowdon's secret in catch 22. after a few days the person died. some relatives and friends took it badly -lots of heart rending sobbing, crying, and grief. they had a brief service at the person's bedside. the room was cleaned and the next ill person was moved in. the world goes on.
3. at a rehab facility: a person and his relatives who make the most noise and demand the best service can get the best attention and perks. there's nothing better than having a feeling of entitlement. a patients' visitors seemed to think nothing of helping themselves to some of my (trivial) stuff like bottled water when i wasn't around. trivial but very annoying. the patient obviously pained one night told the staff they'll be fired in the morning. most of the staff present liked the idea. the next day the event appeared to be totally forgotten.
4. i salute most of the brave healthcare workers who put up with all the crap that many sick and helpless people can deliver. if the patients weren't so pathetic there would be a bounty on their heads.
5. feeling really terrible i asked the doctor to just have a gun loaded and put one shot in the right spot on my head. he replied that that treatment was not on his list of possible treatmens so he could not comply with my request. its interesting that we shoot horses and put cats and dogs away but people must suffer outrageous demeaning and painful procedures, "we saved your remaining meaningless and useless life at incredible cost".
ANOTHER EVENTFUL HOSPITAL STAY
crumpled up in a ball of pain and illness i entered the hospital as best i could. the first words you hear tell you they'll be right with you and you should have a seat. sitting there for an eternity of suffering someone calls your name. the processing interrogation gives you hope that help will be on the way. soon you wil hear the bugle of the cavalry riding in to save you..... toot,toot,toot.........
eventually you wind up in a bed in a gown with your butt end visible to all. not too bad considering that i was present when a theatre group in the dc area mooned the audience (so clever and talented). i never want to see another show by that stupid group again. i guess that was art. my butt is not art.
somehow i know not how i got through that day but the next day i was on oxycodone, rush limbaugh's favorite med, all day.
the highlight of my stay was when my throat closed up. i could still breathe - fortunate or unfortunate depending on your point of view. no food or fluid could be swallowed. somehow the procedure for entering my stomach was easy for the medical staff but not so easy for me. anyway all they had to do (a piece of cake) was run a tube up my nose, have it bend down into my throat and eventually into my stomach. nothing to it. unfortunately the remaining space in my throat was not large enough to accomodate the tube. i can assure you that jesus, mohammed, buddha, and moses together were totally useless. you can imagine whatever you want but the spirits are of no use to me. yup, my fault.
three fun attempts at placing the life saving death tube failed which only made the nurses angry at me. eventually an eent doctor ran a tube with light and viewer into my throat and found out there was not enough space for the tube. so smart. the staff was exonerated. they did their job. not their fault. the good news was that the part of my throat which was swollen was the best part of any that could swell. yea - so lucky - i may live - or not - depending.
after about three days with my throat closed w/o food or drink except for the slow drip of poisonous expensive substances going into my arm they managed to decrease the swelling so that i could eat and drink again. a very important essential characteristic for the maintenance of human life. its in a book.
every five minutes some nurse comes in and wants you to drop your pants. i have no idea as to why? to see my transplant scar; to squeeze my transplant; my personal attractiveness; to check my you-know-what; size matters; i'm adorable; to check the tube running into a urinal (since i couldn't move); whatever?
finally after about a week the horde of doctors, nurses, and king's men declared me cured even though it was not known what was wrong with me in the first place. unfortunately the cure although not killing me left me as weak as a one year old.
completely unaware as to how weak i had become i thought (heh, heh) i would bouce back in a day or two. of course this was a typical male overestimate of ability. a total mismatch of reality to actuality. having worked with engineers i know that many of them can't put a plug into an electrical outlet but are great authorities on the physical universe. yes, i'm guilty too except i can put a plug into an outlet most of the time.
more coming. excited?
*************************************************************************************************
ASSORTED OBSERVATIONS
1. there are absolutely no life altering events: if you are a bastard going into an experience, you will come out a bastard at the end of the experience. perhaps for some wishful thinking if you think that in dickens' christmas carol, scrooge has changed after his dream experiences you are very (har, har, har) sadly mistaken. from what i saw people become even more self centered and selfish than they were before.
2. a person next door to me at the hospital died. every day an orderly took out a pail of stuff from that room. i worried about what it contained reminding me of, snowdon's secret in catch 22. after a few days the person died. some relatives and friends took it badly -lots of heart rending sobbing, crying, and grief. they had a brief service at the person's bedside. the room was cleaned and the next ill person was moved in. the world goes on.
3. at a rehab facility: a person and his relatives who make the most noise and demand the best service can get the best attention and perks. there's nothing better than having a feeling of entitlement. a patients' visitors seemed to think nothing of helping themselves to some of my (trivial) stuff like bottled water when i wasn't around. trivial but very annoying. the patient obviously pained one night told the staff they'll be fired in the morning. most of the staff present liked the idea. the next day the event appeared to be totally forgotten.
4. i salute most of the brave healthcare workers who put up with all the crap that many sick and helpless people can deliver. if the patients weren't so pathetic there would be a bounty on their heads.
5. feeling really terrible i asked the doctor to just have a gun loaded and put one shot in the right spot on my head. he replied that that treatment was not on his list of possible treatmens so he could not comply with my request. its interesting that we shoot horses and put cats and dogs away but people must suffer outrageous demeaning and painful procedures, "we saved your remaining meaningless and useless life at incredible cost".
ANOTHER EVENTFUL HOSPITAL STAY
crumpled up in a ball of pain and illness i entered the hospital as best i could. the first words you hear tell you they'll be right with you and you should have a seat. sitting there for an eternity of suffering someone calls your name. the processing interrogation gives you hope that help will be on the way. soon you wil hear the bugle of the cavalry riding in to save you..... toot,toot,toot.........
eventually you wind up in a bed in a gown with your butt end visible to all. not too bad considering that i was present when a theatre group in the dc area mooned the audience (so clever and talented). i never want to see another show by that stupid group again. i guess that was art. my butt is not art.
somehow i know not how i got through that day but the next day i was on oxycodone, rush limbaugh's favorite med, all day.
the highlight of my stay was when my throat closed up. i could still breathe - fortunate or unfortunate depending on your point of view. no food or fluid could be swallowed. somehow the procedure for entering my stomach was easy for the medical staff but not so easy for me. anyway all they had to do (a piece of cake) was run a tube up my nose, have it bend down into my throat and eventually into my stomach. nothing to it. unfortunately the remaining space in my throat was not large enough to accomodate the tube. i can assure you that jesus, mohammed, buddha, and moses together were totally useless. you can imagine whatever you want but the spirits are of no use to me. yup, my fault.
three fun attempts at placing the life saving death tube failed which only made the nurses angry at me. eventually an eent doctor ran a tube with light and viewer into my throat and found out there was not enough space for the tube. so smart. the staff was exonerated. they did their job. not their fault. the good news was that the part of my throat which was swollen was the best part of any that could swell. yea - so lucky - i may live - or not - depending.
after about three days with my throat closed w/o food or drink except for the slow drip of poisonous expensive substances going into my arm they managed to decrease the swelling so that i could eat and drink again. a very important essential characteristic for the maintenance of human life. its in a book.
every five minutes some nurse comes in and wants you to drop your pants. i have no idea as to why? to see my transplant scar; to squeeze my transplant; my personal attractiveness; to check my you-know-what; size matters; i'm adorable; to check the tube running into a urinal (since i couldn't move); whatever?
finally after about a week the horde of doctors, nurses, and king's men declared me cured even though it was not known what was wrong with me in the first place. unfortunately the cure although not killing me left me as weak as a one year old.
completely unaware as to how weak i had become i thought (heh, heh) i would bouce back in a day or two. of course this was a typical male overestimate of ability. a total mismatch of reality to actuality. having worked with engineers i know that many of them can't put a plug into an electrical outlet but are great authorities on the physical universe. yes, i'm guilty too except i can put a plug into an outlet most of the time.
more coming. excited?
*************************************************************************************************
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